October has ended, and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Then the ever dreaded Christmas again. This year I am feeling just a little different. As I said in my last blog the roads you choose for yourself can make a difference in your life. I chose to leave Las Vegas and move back to a place where I felt safe, away from a family who could care less if I lived or died. These are people who hide from the truth, and try to cover up sins of the past, by smoking pot or taking pills, or plain denial.

What is,IS, Nothing can erase the fact that I was abused for all the years of my young life by the hands of my Mother and her husband of that time. Funny how the blame shifted from one person to the other when this blog came out. And even funnier when all of a sudden I became the villain for exposing the truth. I think I won though because, I finally just don't care anymore, and I don't care who knows about it. I am happier that I have exposed the abusers for who and what they are. I feel now that it's out in the open I can live for the first time, a happy life. I have been able to move forward in my life. I sleep a little better, I am no longer the angry person I used to be, and can enjoy the simple things of life. I am happier in my marriage, my work, and haven't looked back.

 Little reminders pop up every now and again, that throw me a little but that's to be expected. I figure let them smoke their pot, pop their pills and continue to live a lie. Let them live with themselves and their failed loser lives.  Only when they come to terms with the lie will they learn, what, they really lost.

It would seem they are all getting old and dying one by one sick and alone. It's now a little to late, to admit to anyone let alone themselves, where things went wrong and what could have been done to stop the terror.  Me and my brothers have paid a dear price all our lives for what was done to us. Our own failed marriages, drug addictions, anger, impudance, and most of all any chances for a normal life. Just recently I had a cousin state that I was bitter and should get over it. Coming from a person who still sucks their thumb in public at the age of 40 or 50 something, I just laughed and thought to myself this is what pittiful people say when they lack intellegence, and class.

Funny, how really stupid statements like that become the carma of their own sorry lives. I am no longer bitter. I am beginning to live! I mean really live. I have learned to be honest and open about how I feel about things. No longer am I a prisioner of my past. Dark bitterness can no longer hurt me, nor their dumb statements. I am flying high on life and enjoying my husband and business, taking chances that I never thought I would take and I am making it in this world. In spite of what I have been through! Life is just beginning for me. For once I am happy and content with myself, no longer hiding in shame. I love it! Abuse doesn't have to control you, you can over come it, your past can't hurt you once it is exposed. It's just a state of mind you keep yourself in, let go and let God heal you.

Happy Thanks Giving

Cj

Life's Journey

Life's Journey

 All to often the road we travel takes turns. Some winding and some straight, and there always seems to be detours that get us off track.  Who knows how you will end up at the end of the road. Will people remember who you were, or what you did with your life, or how you ended up the way you did? Will you be the same person or someone unrecognizable?

I am a firm believer in the fact that you are in control of what road you choose, and the journey you place your self on. Especially if your a survivor of abuse. When you were a child you had no control, you were powerless to save yourself from your abusers, but when you became of age, you did. From the time you knew how to say yes or no, and the difference of wright and wrong, you, believe it or not, were in control. You may not have realize it then, and maybe some of you still don't. Thank God, for your instincts to survive this far.

 I learned that the hard way,  I walked out of my parents home at the age of 19, I had no clue of what was to become of me. That was the first day of the rest of my life! It was my first steps in my journey to freedom and recovery, and I took charge of my destiny from that point forward. Oh I still want to turn and look back sometimes, but only out of fear of the unknown. I know I have to just keep moving forward. I already know the past was dark, unfair, and cruel. But my future is bright and I can see the sun over the hills lighting my path. My life is finally after all these years, beginning to show signs of greater things to come.

When your in a positive direction, there are going to be many detours that will try to stop you. My family tried to detour me from this blog, they were affective for a while, but God is Good and he showed me new signs to help me on my way, so here I am back on my journey to seek peace and happiness in my life. Detours are fine as long as your not stopping, or back tracking, keep moving forward in a positive direction of your life and you will see the difference in your attitude and the life of peace you're deeply seeking.

 Don't let a bad past destroy a wonderful future, always remember anything that happens is only because you allow it.  So don't allow people, places, or things, get in the way of your journey. Peace is patiently waiting for you at the end of your road. The journey may take some time, but at the end, it will be worth every mile you walked. Abuse can be overcome so start walking.

I am very grateful to all who have commented on this blog. You all, are part of the signs that keep me on my journey called life.
Love to you all
Cj

Will the nightmares ever end?

Will the nightmares ever end? I am guessing not. I have been up since 3:30 AM after experiencing a horrific nightmare, of my abuser once again. It would seem anything that was pleasant in my life turned to nothing but a big pile of crap to put it mildly. At the age of 13, I graduated from the 8Th grade and was given a Horse for a gift for doing well in school, he was the most beautiful horse. I had wanted one all my life and dreamed about him long before I could even remember, his name was Shenandoah, a gorgeous chestnut and white paint with a beautiful mane and tail. I got to keep him for almost a full year, until he was taken away from me. I was told he was taken because the board wasn't paid. Why buy something you can't afford to keep! Especially something that was to fulfill a life long child's dream! Didn't they realize how important he was to me, didn't they realize he was the only thing in my life that kept my sanity and made me happy. Did they care? I am guessing not! It would be too much trouble to go with out a pack of cigarettes or some high priced shot gun that would later be another nightmare for us.

I was dreaming about Shenandoah last night, we were riding Thur a beautiful meadow and as we came to a stream on our path I could see on the other side the abuser standing there, waiting to make his move on me, waiting to torture me again as he always did. The very thoughts of this person woke me out of a sound sleep, and threw me into a thought pattern that I couldn't seem to get out of. I sat up in my bed and tried so hard to think of something pleasant, like flowers , horses, anything but it kept bringing me back to his face.  I am now 57 years old, and he has been dead for sometime now and I still can't keep the abuse out of my head! It never stops! I wake up in a cold sweat and screams that no one hears. Again and again I tried to think of something else, but all that was good in my life was turned around to give him the excuse he needed to rape, beat, or to take away, always as punishment for my crime of not submitting to his devious sexual advances.
How I have lived. this long,  with all this bottled up pain, is beyond me, and it's beginning to take a toll on me. I just want to move on and be strong, I want to forget the past and live a happy life.  How can I do this if I keep dreaming it. I can control my thoughts when I am awake, but I can't when I sleep. Praying hasn't helped, booze and drugs are out of the question, any other suggestions?