Will the nightmares ever end? I am guessing not. I have been up since 3:30 AM after experiencing a horrific nightmare, of my abuser once again. It would seem anything that was pleasant in my life turned to nothing but a big pile of crap to put it mildly. At the age of 13, I graduated from the 8Th grade and was given a Horse for a gift for doing well in school, he was the most beautiful horse. I had wanted one all my life and dreamed about him long before I could even remember, his name was Shenandoah, a gorgeous chestnut and white paint with a beautiful mane and tail. I got to keep him for almost a full year, until he was taken away from me. I was told he was taken because the board wasn't paid. Why buy something you can't afford to keep! Especially something that was to fulfill a life long child's dream! Didn't they realize how important he was to me, didn't they realize he was the only thing in my life that kept my sanity and made me happy. Did they care? I am guessing not! It would be too much trouble to go with out a pack of cigarettes or some high priced shot gun that would later be another nightmare for us.
I was dreaming about Shenandoah last night, we were riding Thur a beautiful meadow and as we came to a stream on our path I could see on the other side the abuser standing there, waiting to make his move on me, waiting to torture me again as he always did. The very thoughts of this person woke me out of a sound sleep, and threw me into a thought pattern that I couldn't seem to get out of. I sat up in my bed and tried so hard to think of something pleasant, like flowers , horses, anything but it kept bringing me back to his face. I am now 57 years old, and he has been dead for sometime now and I still can't keep the abuse out of my head! It never stops! I wake up in a cold sweat and screams that no one hears. Again and again I tried to think of something else, but all that was good in my life was turned around to give him the excuse he needed to rape, beat, or to take away, always as punishment for my crime of not submitting to his devious sexual advances.
How I have lived. this long, with all this bottled up pain, is beyond me, and it's beginning to take a toll on me. I just want to move on and be strong, I want to forget the past and live a happy life. How can I do this if I keep dreaming it. I can control my thoughts when I am awake, but I can't when I sleep. Praying hasn't helped, booze and drugs are out of the question, any other suggestions?
I was dreaming about Shenandoah last night, we were riding Thur a beautiful meadow and as we came to a stream on our path I could see on the other side the abuser standing there, waiting to make his move on me, waiting to torture me again as he always did. The very thoughts of this person woke me out of a sound sleep, and threw me into a thought pattern that I couldn't seem to get out of. I sat up in my bed and tried so hard to think of something pleasant, like flowers , horses, anything but it kept bringing me back to his face. I am now 57 years old, and he has been dead for sometime now and I still can't keep the abuse out of my head! It never stops! I wake up in a cold sweat and screams that no one hears. Again and again I tried to think of something else, but all that was good in my life was turned around to give him the excuse he needed to rape, beat, or to take away, always as punishment for my crime of not submitting to his devious sexual advances.
How I have lived. this long, with all this bottled up pain, is beyond me, and it's beginning to take a toll on me. I just want to move on and be strong, I want to forget the past and live a happy life. How can I do this if I keep dreaming it. I can control my thoughts when I am awake, but I can't when I sleep. Praying hasn't helped, booze and drugs are out of the question, any other suggestions?
