October has ended, and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Then the ever dreaded Christmas again. This year I am feeling just a little different. As I said in my last blog the roads you choose for yourself can make a difference in your life. I chose to leave Las Vegas and move back to a place where I felt safe, away from a family who could care less if I lived or died. These are people who hide from the truth, and try to cover up sins of the past, by smoking pot or taking pills, or plain denial.
What is,IS, Nothing can erase the fact that I was abused for all the years of my young life by the hands of my Mother and her husband of that time. Funny how the blame shifted from one person to the other when this blog came out. And even funnier when all of a sudden I became the villain for exposing the truth. I think I won though because, I finally just don't care anymore, and I don't care who knows about it. I am happier that I have exposed the abusers for who and what they are. I feel now that it's out in the open I can live for the first time, a happy life. I have been able to move forward in my life. I sleep a little better, I am no longer the angry person I used to be, and can enjoy the simple things of life. I am happier in my marriage, my work, and haven't looked back.
Little reminders pop up every now and again, that throw me a little but that's to be expected. I figure let them smoke their pot, pop their pills and continue to live a lie. Let them live with themselves and their failed loser lives. Only when they come to terms with the lie will they learn, what, they really lost.
It would seem they are all getting old and dying one by one sick and alone. It's now a little to late, to admit to anyone let alone themselves, where things went wrong and what could have been done to stop the terror. Me and my brothers have paid a dear price all our lives for what was done to us. Our own failed marriages, drug addictions, anger, impudance, and most of all any chances for a normal life. Just recently I had a cousin state that I was bitter and should get over it. Coming from a person who still sucks their thumb in public at the age of 40 or 50 something, I just laughed and thought to myself this is what pittiful people say when they lack intellegence, and class.
Funny, how really stupid statements like that become the carma of their own sorry lives. I am no longer bitter. I am beginning to live! I mean really live. I have learned to be honest and open about how I feel about things. No longer am I a prisioner of my past. Dark bitterness can no longer hurt me, nor their dumb statements. I am flying high on life and enjoying my husband and business, taking chances that I never thought I would take and I am making it in this world. In spite of what I have been through! Life is just beginning for me. For once I am happy and content with myself, no longer hiding in shame. I love it! Abuse doesn't have to control you, you can over come it, your past can't hurt you once it is exposed. It's just a state of mind you keep yourself in, let go and let God heal you.
Happy Thanks Giving
Cj
