About Me

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Atascadero, CA, United States
I am an adult survivor of child abuse. I lived for over 13 years of my childhood with physical, mental, and sexual abuse, at the hands of a brutal Step Father, and Mother who put Mommy Dearest to shame, she thought it was normal to beat you until you were bleeding, and scared for life. This is my story, it's time to unmask the true horrors that plagued my world. So many children suffer and die from child abuse. Someone needs to stand up for them, become a follower and join me in the fight against Child Abuse. I am not a Dr., lawyer or, anyone special, just a SURVIVOR.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

abused-untold secrets


Secrets, secrets, everyone has them, I remember way back when my little sister would want to tell me a secret, she would put her ear to my ear and tell me her little secret, it was the cutest thing, she could never get the concept of your mouth goes to the other persons ear, if you can picture it, you would smile as I always did. She loved telling me secrets, and it was most unfortunate I could never tell her mine.

I have been reading other blogs similar to mine and I am finding there are many people out there who have gone through almost the exact same thing as me. They kept their abuse secret for far long too, and they still to this day have trouble talking about it. In my research on survivors of abuse, I found thousands of people suffer ever day with the after effects of child abuse, and no one has reached to out them. They are crippled in many areas of their life, so much so that these innocent people feel lost and hopeless. Doctors, hospitals, pills, dysfunctional family life, some have grown up to be abusers themselves and can't seem to break the cycle. Others live just merely existing struggling to survive the day to day routine of just staying alive. Some continue to suffer because they marry into abuse and suffer at the hands of a spouse, who beats them for no good reason. We hear about this on TV everyday!

 After going through a few struggles of my own over this blog, I can see how and why people keep it a secret. It isn't bad enough we had to go through it as children, but now we have to just live with it and try to get over it alone as adults. It is a private family matter not to be discussed among strangers, and a real shame on me, for sharing it on the net. Then who can we tell? Do we not have the right to heal? Do we have any rights? We sure didn't seem to when we were abused, and it would seem that we don't have any now either.

Well I have good news, for those of you that suffered as I did, we have rights and can expose the truth with out fear. You know how I know? See the first amendment, regarding freedom of speech, religious freedom, freedom of the press, freedom of assembly and right to petition!! Wow we have a lot of freedoms, that's why I love America, I can stand and say what, I have to say with out fear!  I refuse to live with the secrets any longer, I will not be made a captive of my inner self any longer, I need light, love, compassion, understanding, healing, and most of all, ...and... MOST OF ALL...I want child abuse in this country to be exposed for what it is and to make it STOP.   I am finding this to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, because it has exposed what is in my past.  I am a respected business woman, and well known in my working community, I can only hope as the blog progresses, that anyone who reads it, will indeed know I was a victim, and will help me by joining the fight against this type of crime.  I am finding so many of you out there, who are afflicted by your abuse, and you can't seem to speak out, you are held captive and imprisoned by your affliction.

 What if so and so finds out?    What will it do to my family?    How will it affect me in my personal life?

 These are questions I still ask myself and all I can come up with is...IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU DIDN'T GIVE YOUR LIFE AWAY, IT WAS STOLLEN, YOU WERE ABUSED BY SOMEONE WHO KNEW THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH IT!

It's time to break the cycle, there is light, hope and inner peace, I am finding it, and so can you. There are many sites you can go to to for help. Just get on that Internet and start by merely typing in ABUSE, find one you can relate to, talk to someone, a pastor, friend, stranger, any one who will listen, talk to God he is pretty good about listening. But break the cycle, begin to heal and release to become a healthier you.
I  love ya and my arms are around you. Draw from you inner strength and you go with it.

Here a few sites you can visit.
http://www.childhelp.org/
http://childabusesurvivor.ning.com/

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Abused-cleaning house


  I have lived with my history of abuse for over 50 years, after seeking the help from a Help Center for Women, I was encouraged to write down my thoughts, fears and my life experiences. Each week when I would go back with my writtings, my counsler and I would discuss what I had written, we seemed to be making a lot of progress in the department of cleaning house.  In the first of many visits, he stated to me that our bodies are like a house. First there is the full living quarters, kitchen, living, and dinning, rooms, bathrooms, etc. These rooms in your house usually get cleaned all the time as these are the rooms people see. But what about the attic and the basement. These are the rooms that rarely get noticed and usually a great place to store things you don't want to throw away. Eventually it becomes cluttered with storage and creepy crawlers, spider webs and sometimes, rodents, bats, mice etc... Both places need cleaning and it never seems to get done. Till one day there is so much build up, and no place else for the stuff to go, and it begins to spill over into other areas of the home that were once clean.  Eventually the home becomes cluttered and filled trash, and garbage is every where. Have you ever seen a hoarder who won't trow anything away, eventually it totally over takes that life? It consumes them to the death and giving up even a piece of paper is unthinkable. This is what I was in side, a hoarder! I harbored feelings and pains from the past for so long that it began spilling over. I needed help and I knew it. Going to the Help Center helped me to realize everything I was supressing, was putting me in a constant state of depression, and giving me suicitle tendencys. I was on the road to complete self distruction.

I found that writting down my experiences were a real form of healing for me, and my life started changing for the better. I was learing to understand why I was doing the things I was doing, and why I was feeling the things I was feeling. My writting began to open my life up to new experiences and helped me to take a stand against abuse including my own. I started writting a book about my paint horse Shennandoha, I wrote about all our adventures together and when I was finished I put the book in a drawer and stopped writting, thinking I was good to go, and on top of the world.

When I stopped writting, I continued along thinking I was ok, and my house, little by little, began to fill up all over agian, depression set in and feelings of self distruct, were running rappid with life. Before it got to far, I began remembering the words of my counsiler. I could hear his words of wisdom in my mind, and  I decided enough was enough, it was time to take my life back again. If it means telling my life like it was, then this is what I will do. If it helps ease my pain of the past and I just happen to help someone with theirs, then my mission to the road of recovery is working.


I truely feel if I help just one person, to think, before they strike a child, then I have done a good thing. I must admitt I am ruffling a few feathers for writting the truth, and I am sorry anyone is offened, but I am not sorry for writting what I write.  Children are so precious they can't stand alone against their abusers.  If I help one child, or person that has suffered at the hands of an abuser, then I did what I set out to do, and it is worth every line I write, and every person I offend.
I will continue my fight to help children. I challange all my readers to help me with this fight against child abuse, don't leave a child to suffer or die alone.
Who could they tell? Who will help them? Join me in my fight agians Child abuse

1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453) or go to http://www.childhelp.org/

donations can also be made to   http://www.childhelp.org/

Friday, January 1, 2010

happy New Year! one and all

      

         Happy New Year to all my readers!

May God bless you all the year thru.  Let this be the year of recovery and happiness to one and all....Love ya! XXOO

Abused- what about the elderly

Abuse takes on may forms not just child abuse but abuse of animal and the elderly. Working with seniors in my job I have seen over and over again the neglect that can take place and it infuriates me. I did a search on the internet about it and I have a strong article on the subject that I would like to share with you. You all must know by now that I am a strong advocate for anyone who is being abused. I just hate it and it needs to come to everyone's attention. I have included the site where I found my article, they deserve credit for there work in trying to stop these horrible crimes against human life. You can search helpguide.org for help.

http://helpguide.org/mental/elder_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

Your elderly neighbor

There’s an elderly neighbor you’ve chatted with at civic meetings and block parties for years. When you see her coming to get her mail as you walk up the street, you slow down and greet her at the mailbox. She says hello but seems wary, as if she doesn’t quite recognize you. You ask her about a nasty bruise on her forearm. Oh, just an accident, she explains; the car door closed on it. She says goodbye quickly and returns to the house. Something isn’t quite right about her. You think about the bruise, her skittish behavior. Well, she’s getting pretty old, you think; maybe her mind is getting fuzzy. But there’s something else — something isn’t right.

What is elder abuse

As elders become more physically frail, they’re less able to stand up to bullying and or fight back if attacked. They may not see or hear as well or think as clearly as they used to, leaving openings for unscrupulous people to take advantage of them. Mental or physical ailments may make them more trying companions for the people who live with them..

Tens of thousands of seniors across the United States are being abused: harmed in some substantial way often people who are directly responsible for their care

More than half a million reports of abuse against elderly Americans reach authorities every year, and millions more cases go unreported.

Where does elder abuse take place?

Elder abuse tends to take place where the senior lives: most often in the home where abusers are apt to be adult children; other family members such as grandchildren; or spouses/partners of elders. Institutional settings especially long-term care facilities can also be sources of elder abuse.

The different types of elder abuse

Abuse of elders takes many different forms, some involving intimidation or threats against the elderly, some involving neglect, and others involving financial chicanery. The most common are defined below.

Physical abuse

Physical elder abuse is non-accidental use of force against an elderly person that results in physical pain, injury, or impairment. Such abuse includes not only physical assaults such as hitting or shoving but the inappropriate use of drugs, restraints, or confinement.

Emotional abuse

In emotional or psychological senior abuse, people speak to or treat elderly persons in ways that cause emotional pain or distress.

Verbal forms of emotional elder abuse include

intimidation through yelling or threats

humiliation and ridicule

habitual blaming or scapegoating

Nonverbal psychological elder abuse can take the form of

ignoring the elderly person

isolating an elder from friends or activities

terrorizing or menacing the elderly person

Sexual abuse

Sexual elder abuse is contact with an elderly person without the elder’s consent. Such contact can involve physical sex acts, but activities such as showing an elderly person pornographic material, forcing the person to watch sex acts, or forcing the elder to undress are also considered sexual elder abuse.

Neglect or abandonment by caregivers

Elder neglect, failure to fulfill a care-taking obligation, constitutes more than half of all reported cases of elder abuse. It can be active (intentional) or passive (unintentional, based on factors such as ignorance or denial that an elderly charge needs as much care as he or she does).

Financial exploitation

This involves unauthorized use of an elderly person’s funds or property, either by a caregiver or an outside scam artist.

An unscrupulous caregiver might

misuse an elder’s personal checks, credit cards, or accounts

steal cash, income checks, or household goods

forge the elder’s signature

engage in identity theft

Typical rackets that target elders include

Announcements of a “prize” that the elderly person has won but must pay money to claim

Phony charities

Investment fraud

Healthcare fraud and abuse

Carried out by unethical doctors, nurses, hospital personnel, and other professional care providers, examples of healthcare fraud and abuse regarding elders include

Not providing healthcare, but charging for it

Overcharging or double-billing for medical care or services

Getting kickbacks for referrals to other providers or for prescribing certain drugs

Overmedicating or undermedicating

Recommending fraudulent remedies for illnesses or other medical conditions

Medicaid fraud

Signs and symptoms of elder abuse

At first, you might not recognize or take seriously signs of elder abuse. They may appear to be symptoms of dementia or signs of the elderly person’s frailty — or caregivers may explain them to you that way. In fact, many of the signs and symptoms of elder abuse do overlap with symptoms of mental deterioration, but that doesn’t mean you should dismiss them on the caregiver’s say-so.

General signs of abuse

The following are warning signs of some kind of elder abuse:

Frequent arguments or tension between the caregiver and the elderly person

Changes in personality or behavior in the elder

If you suspect elderly abuse, but aren't sure, look for clusters of the following physical and behavioral signs.

Signs and symptoms of specific types of abuse

Physical abuse Unexplained signs of injury such as bruises, welts, or scars, especially if they appear symmetrically on two side of the body

Broken bones, sprains, or dislocations

Report of drug overdose or apparent failure to take medication regularly (a prescription has more remaining than it should)

Broken eyeglasses or frames

Signs of being restrained, such as rope marks on wrists

Caregiver’s refusal to allow you to see the elder alone

Emotional abuse In addition to the general signs above, indications of emotional elder abuse include

Threatening, belittling, or controlling caregiver behavior that you witness

Behavior from the elder that mimics dementia, such as rocking, sucking, or mumbling to oneself

Sexual abuse Bruises around breasts or genitals

Unexplained venereal disease or genital infections

Unexplained vaginal or anal bleeding

Torn, stained, or bloody underclothing

Neglect by caregivers or self-neglect Unusual weight loss, malnutrition, dehydration

Untreated physical problems, such as bed sores

Unsanitary living conditions: dirt, bugs, soiled bedding and clothes

Being left dirty or unbathed

Unsuitable clothing or covering for the weather

Unsafe living conditions (no heat or running water; faulty electrical wiring, other fire hazards)

Desertion of the elder at a public place

Financial exploitation Significant withdrawals from the elder’s accounts

Sudden changes in the elder’s financial condition

Items or cash missing from the senior’s household

Suspicious changes in wills, power of attorney, titles, and policies

Addition of names to the senior’s signature card

Unpaid bills or lack of medical care, although the elder has enough money to pay for them

Financial activity the senior couldn’t have done, such as an ATM withdrawal when the account holder is bedridden

Unnecessary services, goods, or subscriptions

Healthcare fraud and abuse Duplicate billings for the same medical service or device

Evidence of overmedication or undermedication

Evidence of inadequate care when bills are paid in full

Problems with the care facility:

- Poorly trained, poorly paid, or insufficient staff

- Crowding

- Inadequate responses to questions about care

Risk factors for elder abuse

It’s difficult to take care of a senior when he or she has many different needs, and it’s difficult to be elderly when age brings with it infirmities and dependence. Both the demands of caregiving and the needs of the elder can create situations in which abuse is more likely to occur.

Risk factors among caregivers

Many nonprofessional caregivers — spouses, adult children, other relatives and friends — find taking care of an elder to be satisfying and enriching. But the responsibilities and demands of elder caregiving, which escalate as the elder’s condition deteriorates, can also be extremely stressful. The stress of elder care can lead to mental and physical health problems that make caregivers burned out, impatient, and unable to keep from lashing out against elders in their care.

Among caregivers, significant risk factors for elder abuse are

inability to cope with stress (lack of resilience)

depression, which is common among caregivers

lack of support from other potential caregivers

the caregiver’s perception that taking care of the elder is burdensome and without psychological reward

substance abuse

Even caregivers in institutional settings can experience stress at levels that lead to elder abuse. Nursing home staff may be prone to elder abuse if they lack training, have too many responsibilities, are unsuited to caregiving, or work under poor conditions.

The elder’s condition and history

Several factors concerning elders themselves, while they don’t excuse abuse, influence whether they are at greater risk for abuse:

The intensity of an elderly person’s illness or dementia

Social isolation; i.e., the elder and caregiver are alone together almost all the time

The elder’s role, at an earlier time, as an abusive parent or spouse

A history of domestic violence in the home

The elder’s own tendency toward verbal or physical aggression

In many cases, elder abuse, though real, is unintentional. Caregivers pushed beyond their capabilities or psychological resources may not mean to yell at, strike, or ignore the needs of the elders in their care.

Reporting elder abuse

If you are an elder who is being abused, neglected, or exploited, tell at least one person. Tell your doctor, a friend, or a family member whom you trust. Other people care and can help you.

You can also call Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116.

The person who answers the phone will refer you to a local agency that can help. The Eldercare Locator answers the phone Monday through Friday, 9 am to 8 pm, Eastern Time.

How do I report suspected elder abuse?

The 500,000 to 1,000,000 reports of elder abuse recorded by authorities every year (the vast majority of which are proven to be true) are only the tip of the iceberg; according to data from different states, for every case of elder abuse reported, another 12 or 13 are not. Accordingly there’s a great need for people to report suspected abuse.

In every state, physical, sexual, and financial abuses targeting elders that violate laws against assault, rape, theft, and other offenses are punishable as crimes. With some variation among states, certain types of emotional elder abuse and elder neglect are subject to criminal prosecution, depending on the perpetrators' conduct and intent and the consequences for the victim.

States differ on who is required to report suspected elder abuse (there’s no federal standard), though the categories of mandatory reporters are expanding. Typically, medical personnel, nursing home workers, peace officers, emergency personnel, public officials, social workers, counselors, and clergy are listed as mandatory reporters, and that responsibility is spreading to financial institutions and other entities that work with seniors.

While it’s important for elders to seek refuge from abuse, either by calling a local agency or telling a doctor or trusted friend, many seniors don't report the abuse they face even if they’re able. Many fear retaliation from the abuser, while others believe that if they turn in their abusers, no one else will take care of them. When the caregivers are their children, they may be ashamed that their children are behaving abusively or blame themselves: “If I’d been a better parent when they were younger, this wouldn’t be happening.” Or they just may not want children they love to get into trouble with the law.

The first agency to respond to a report of elderly abuse, in most states, is Adult Protective Services (APS). Its role is to investigate abuse cases, intervene, and offer services and advice. Again, the power and scope of APS varies from state to state. However, every state has at least one toll-free elder abuse hotline or helpline for reporting elder abuse in the home, in the community, or in nursing homes and other longterm care facilities. In addition, information and referral are also available from the national Eldercare Locator: 1-800-677-1116

Preventing elder abuse and neglect

We can help reduce the incidence of elder abuse, but it’ll take more effort than we’re making now. Preventing elder abuse means doing three things:

Listening to seniors and their caregivers

Intervening when you suspect elder abuse

Educating others about how to recognize and report elder abuse

What you can do as a caregiver to prevent elder abuse

If you’re overwhelmed by the demands of caring for an elder, do the following:

Request help, from friends, relatives, or local respite care agencies, so you can take a break, if only for a couple of hours.

Find an adult day care program.

Stay healthy and get medical care for yourself when necessary.

Adopt stress reduction practices.

Seek counseling for depression, which can lead to elder abuse.

Find a support group for caregivers of the elderly.

If you’re having problems with drug or alcohol abuse, get help.

And remember, elder abuse helplines offer help for caregivers as well. Call a helpline if you think there’s a possibility you might cross the line into elder abuse.

What you can do as a concerned friend or family member

Watch for warning signs that might indicate elder abuse. If you suspect abuse, report it.

Take a look at the elder’s medications. Does the amount in the vial jive with the date of the prescription?

Watch for possible financial abuse. Ask the elder if you may scan bank accounts and credit card statements for unauthorized transactions.

Call and visit as often as you can. Help the elder consider you a trusted confidante.

Offer to stay with the elder so the caregiver can have a break — on a regular basis, if you can.

How you can protect yourself, as an elder, against elder abuse

Make sure your financial and legal affairs are in order. If they aren’t, enlist professional help to get them in order, with the assistance of a trusted friend or relative if necessary.

Keep in touch with family and friends and avoid becoming isolated, which increases your vulnerability to elder abuse.

If you are unhappy with the care you’re receiving, whether it’s in your own home or in a care facility, speak up. Tell someone you trust and ask that person to report the abuse, neglect, or substandard care to your state’s elder abuse helpline or long term care ombudsman, or make the call yourself.

Finally, if you aren’t in a position to help an elder personally, you can volunteer or donate money to the cause of educating people about elder abuse, and you can lobby to strengthen state laws and policing so that elder abuse can be investigated and prosecuted more readily. The life you save down the line may be your own
for more information contact helpguide.org

http://helpguide.org/mental/elder_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Abused-get over it!

Get over it.... Tell it to the little child who was just recently found in the dumpster dead!
I found some interesting facts on the Internet to pass on to you
How many children are abused and neglected in the United States?


Each week, child protective services (CPS) agencies throughout the United States receive more than 50,000 reports of suspected child abuse or neglect. In 2002, 2.6 million reports concerning the welfare of approximately 4.5 million children were made.
In approximately two-thirds (67 percent) of these cases, the information provided in the report was sufficient to prompt an assessment or investigation. As a result of these investigations, approximately 896,000 children were found to have been victims of abuse or neglect—an average of more than 2,450 children per day. PER DAY!!

2.6 of 4.5 were made known...!  I believe I was one of the half that wasn't found out about. There wasn't any help for me or my brothers.

My abuse wasn't known by anyone, so they say. My Mother stated once, she isn't responsible for my abuse, she stated Very loud and boldly, SHIT HAPPENS and repeated it 3 times, she was pretty admit about it too. She takes no responsibility for her actions and closed her eyes to the fact that I was being physically mentally and sexually abused, by the husband she chose for herself, ON A DAILY BASIS, most of the time while she was sleeping in the other room, and even after she found out about him, she chose to stay with him. She allowed him to openly beat her children daily until they bled, for 13 years!
      The abuse she dished out wasn't any better,  because of her neglect we were taken and put into a children's homes, not once, but twice before I even made the age of 4.  I had to watch my siblings as they were ripped away from me while I was taken to a separate facility. I can remember to this day the pain of that separation when I watched my brothers being taken away. Each one piled out of the Child Welfare Car  one by one and I was held back, they were taking me somewhere else. I remember the pain and the anguish in my heart so bad, that it seemed to want to burst out of my chest.  No one heard my screams of pain that day as we walked down the long hall of the place I was in, I can still remember that feeling of fear and anguish, when they put me in a room alone in a crib with very high rails, no blanket or pillow, cold lonely and frighted. I remember crying silently hugging myself til I fell asleep. Alone and Cold.
   Heaven help us all if we gave mother any stress, to add to the trauma of being beaten, she used to make us find, the extension cord that she intended to use to beat the living hell out of us with. I remember the baby sitter feeding us bread with mustard and sugar on it because there wasn't any food in the house, and sitting in front of an open oven to keep warm because the electric was turned off.     
  Recently I was told I have a love hate relationship with my family. I don't hate my family your wrong reader,  I have 4 brothers and one sister. My sister didn't suffer the chamber of horrors that my brothers and I did, mostly because I protected her with my life. I was her stand in mother for the first five years of her life, after all she was put in my bedroom, someone had to get up for those 2 am feedings and diaper changes. I adore her, and she feels the same about me, she has turned into the most beautiful caring woman, and my closest friend.
    My brothers, and I  never talk much any more, we are all too busy with our own dysfunctional marriages,  divorces, and plastic lives, but the love still runs very deep, and no one will ever get in between our love for each other, not even their spouses or children can come between that special bond we all share, because it runs to deep to compare to anything else. My poor brothers have many emotional scares that will never go away. We don't talk about the abuse when we are together, we don't want to talk about it. It's the past, and just Getting over it isn't an option for us, because the ability to forget such a traumatic life experience isn't a luxury we as humans possess.     
      My reason for this blog isn't to slam family, although it would seem so. It's to bring out the truth of  abused children, to make an awareness that, it is in your own back yard.  Our home wasn't simple discipline, like neighbors thought, it was abuse, neglect, sodomy, rape, brutal beatings, and corporal punishments!  When a child is neglected, abused, sodomised, and beaten, it does something to the mental status of the child, it causes so many emotional problems that will continue to plague them forever, hindering them from ever having any kind of a normal adult life. So those of you who like to say, GET OVER IT, you are just as abusive, your blunt words do not heal they add to the pain we suffer inside. Just because you think we should get over it! Do you think for one moment, that we are going to completely change our way of life, a way that was beaten into our minds from the time of birth?  It don't work that way. I believe you want us to just get over it, so you don't have to feel anything about yourself, including some hidden guilt you hold, from the last time you hit your kid, or said something so nasty that it cut into his or her heart like an extension cord to the skin.
     Another famous saying is, forgive and forget,  God can only forgive you if you forgive them, and you can't get to heaven if you don't.  When you are already in a, LIVING HELL, that sure makes a lot of sense! Some of you God fearing people are so heavenly conscious that you are often no earthly good.  Some of you people really need to wake up and smell the coffee.

   I am here to tell you that taking a pill doesn't' make the scares heal either, they just dull the senses so you don't feel, so that the truths of your life stay hidden and  unexposed.  I want to feel, I want to be alive, and I want to be healthy, and I want you to know how it feels to be abused. My childhood was stolen from me and this blog is helping me to get back my life. If you want me to get over it then pass this blog on to everyone you know. Help Stop CHILD ABUSE !
keep your neighborhood safe, check out the sex offender free scan of your neighbor hood.
Pictures on this blog are from sites on Child Abuse.  Just Google Child
Abuse and you will see many more just like it. I am not a random case it's every where.  Here a a few for you to view.

http://helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

 http://www.neighborhoodscan.com/FamilySafetyReport/

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Abused-the demons with in

Did you ever have a secret you just couldn't keep....especially growing up, when a friend told you something special and asked you not to tell? Are you one of those people who had to tell someone, or did you keep the secret? Did it depend on what it was, or who was telling you?  I can't speak for anyone else, but for myself the secret was kept for so many years, that it caused me to live in a world with out light or life. I felt no one cared, who I was, what I was, or anything about me. When in fact it wasn't them  that didn't care, it was me! So afraid of letting someone know my secret, that it caused seclusion from the rest of the outside world, keeping out any ray of light that could spark a flicker of hope for acceptance from  any stranger. I didn't have any friends close enough to speak to of such things. I would intentionally drive them away so I could live with my torrid little secret and keep it around myself, like a cloak of protection. I often ask myself was it fear of not being accepted or fear that the secret would be told?
     There was one sibling that knew what was going on, in that house of horrors, not everything, ... but he knew of the severity of my beatings, as he was forced to watch. I am sure he felt every strike of the cord along with me, and out of love, he would feel my pain as it would cut into my skin with each blow. But  he never tried to intervene because he would be beaten too, if he even dared to come between the whip and me, his fate was sure to be matched with mine. My sibling was paid off with bikes, toys and special treats just to keep my step father informed on my goings and comings, and the dark secrets that covered our house, heaven help him if he should leave out any minor detail.   My step father was saving me for only himself and wasn't having any part of me having an interest in life beyond our doors. If I was caught as much as saying hello to someone, I would be beaten and grilled for hours. I was afraid to even look in the direction of a boy with out fear of beatings
    What kind of monster was this demon spawned creature that took away my freedom of a normal life. Nothing could ever be normal about that childhood, especially when Mother would ask why the bruises? He would come up with some fabricated story to make her believe I had been disobedient. Her responses were shallow at best, uncaring and unresponsive, other than to scream orders at me to get those dishes out of the sink!, or clean up that living room or I will give you more of the same!
       As I got older the abuse became an every day occurrence, I stopped asking God to save me, I stopped screaming, I stopped crying, I stopped feeling, and I stopped living. Inside me was empty, and the well of life had been drained from what used to be a happy go-lucky, thumb sucking little red head in curls, to a lifeless shell of a young adolescent, wishing death would come quickly. Every time I was attacked, I would have these out of body experiences, separating myself , just floating, no longer feeling the pains of my reality.
       The horrors never stopped and neither did my nightmares. For years my demons haunted me, and they still haunt me from his grave. I am learning little by little to let go, and forget the horrors, but scares run deep, and each waking day is a reminder of what was. Every time I see a child, hurt or abused, I feel the pain all over again. . Heaven help these little Children. Those that haven't survived there horrors, are now at peace, but what about those who have to live and endure and abusive life. Who will stand for them?
      I didn't give my childhood away,  it was stolen for me. Today, I am lighting another candle to light my soul, and I am slowly taking back my life.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

abused-affliction

mywebtattoo.comChild Abuse is an Affliction, that a little child can't fight alone. They need our help. Have you ever noticed a child who is with drawn, overly shy and fearful of any quick movements, they cling to siblings and cry continuously? Children that are hungry, un-bathed too many black and blue marks, parents never around, take a second look when you see the these signs. Please don't pass it off and think someone else will handle it. Make the Call to any child welfare office in your county or call
1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453)  or go to http://www.childhelp.org/ it is totally anonymous, so stop peeping from the curtains, if know a child is being abused MAKE THE CALL! Don't let any child suffer or die! It's real and happens right under your nose. It could be happening to one of your own. Are your eyes open? My own family stated they never knew...hummm I wonder. MAKE THE CALL