So now you know, the secret is out and I should feel very ashamed of what I have shared in this blog, but somehow I don't, I really don't.
Most people that know me, wouldn't know what had transpired in my life, unless I told them directly. On the most normal basis I am a happy go lucky person, I like to please people, make them laugh. I do admit I enjoy the one on one of attention when I am with people I am most comfortable with. I enjoy teasing people, making them blush, most of all I enjoy laughter. How did I come out enjoying laughter is beyond me. I think the laughter covers and hides the pain that is hiding inside me. Like when ever I am invited to go to a family party, at first I might say yes just to make the family happy, but as it get closer to the party date I become agitated, nervous, and out in left field, my hands get sweaty, my stomach starts to act up, and I start into a full blown panic. I plain and simply don't want to go! I am in panic mode I have nothing to wear, I am having a bad hair day, make up isn't right. I will pick a fight with the husband, any thing to get out of going. The small family gathering now becomes a terror! I literally have to be dragged from my home when I can't come up with a good enough excuse not to leave the house. Once out the door the panic really begins to swell and I either become quite, or I just can't stop talking, there is no middle of the road on that one, after we have arrived I peek through the door and zero in on the first person I actually like, usually a cousin or an in-Law and stay there were it's comfortable and in my groove of things, a warm place to laugh and chat, have a good stiff margarita, comfortable corner, and I usually can have a good time. But still to this day that fear over comes me. Slowly I am learing to take back my confidence. It was stolen from me, I didn't give it away, Now I want it back!
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