Abuses/aren't Holidays are supposed to be fun?

I love Christmas! I love presents! and the lights, and the Presents!, and the tree all decorated, and the Presents under the tree for me!, and the smell of fresh baked cookies and pies, oh and not to mention the Presents!! Did I mention the Presents!!!
So getting up Christmas morning was always a real treat at our home. 6 kids scrambling down the stairs. to see what wasn't broken or crushed after the big fight that the parental figures had on Christmas Eve. You see he never worked a day in his life except to sing in some Congo band, and Christmas Eve, he was always entertaining, unfortunately for Mother he was taking some of the act on a more private level with some, chick younger then her in a back ally. You guessed it he would get caught, and they would fight like pit bull dogs until every dish and glass in the house was broken. We would all listen from our beds, hoping and praying the fighting would stop. The screaming wasn't limited to yelling at each other it was screams of pain and terror as well, because he was beating the hell out of her. Both drunk as skunks due to the celebration they had just come from, and the scene of the after party experience was just a bit too much to bear. Christmas morning was usually spent cleaning up the mess they made, including scrapping food and condiments for the walls and cupboards, so much for Christmas dinner, and forget about the tree, it was dead for sure. This was a ritual year after year, you could bank on it happening.  Sometimes my oldest brother would try to rescue our screaming mother and would get caught in the cross fire, he didn't always look so good after that. He sometimes got it worse then my Mother.  When he got old enough he would just stay at his girlfriends house,  just so he wouldn't  have to face it.  One by one all my older brothers left, but not me I had to stay. I wasn't allowed to leave. He wasn't done with me yet. I tried to leave couple of times, but I would get caught and brought back. which included a few more black and blue marks. No, I wasn't going any where, not anytime soon anyway. After all who would take care of the little ones and clean up that mess, and be at his beckon call every time he needed a quickie.
  To this day I still get all excited about Christmas, I want everything to be perfect, for everyone else. Everyone but me, I over give, I over spend, and I over do. Every year is the same. I want everyone in the house to be happy! HAPPY HAPPY!! But in my soul it is black an dark and the light of soul and my god for whom we celebrate this wonderful season, is out. I get depressed, angry, lost, and disorientated.
Doing all the work keeps me from going back to the place of total darkness that I used to be in. Making others happy keeps the peace and quiet. Evey Christmas Eve we open our presents, because i want to be sure they will still be under a tree in the morning, and I kill my self with work just too forget. The Sounds of Christmas.
I really want my light back on this one...I think i will take it this year, you see it was stolen from me many years ago. It's my soul and I am taking that peace of it back, this is my present to me this year. How about you doing the same. :)